ESSENTIAL BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES ON PARENTING

2019-02-10T01:31:10+00:00June 9th, 2017|

by Dr. Steven Waterhouse

Unconditional Love or Trial Acceptance

In a game with a close score a young athlete made a mistake that caused his team to lose in the final seconds. The game itself is completely irrelevant. After the loss, however, the father of an eight year-old boy ran out on the field and publicly berated the child. I overheard words like, “No son of mine would ever try something so stupid.” I was unmarried at the time. Yet, I instinctively knew the father was worse at parenting than the son ever would be at sports.

The previous chapter1 explained that the image of God reflected in parents gives children the basis for emotional and spiritual strength. God the Father is the model for parents. There is no need to determine which of God’s characteristics is the most important in raising children, but giving unconditional love must be at the top of anyone’s priority.

When one trusts in Christ as Savior, he or she becomes a child of God. God wants his children to behave and achieve. As a Father, He rewards and blesses virtuous behavior and efforts that lead to service and achievement. However, God loves His children even if they fail. We might fail by rebellion, or we may have human limitations. Regardless, God loves us without conditions. “See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us that we would be called children of God” (1 John 3:1). It is obvious that parents have a moral responsibility to love their children. However, some do not love them in any sense of the word. Many others are confused as to the Scriptural definition of love. It is important that children feel the security of unconditional love. Christian love is not based upon performance, ability, or behavior. It is a commitment to do what is best for the object of love whether the person deserves it or not. Parents who mirror this type of love (God’s love) instill security in children, teach them to love, and display a model that will generate an attraction to God. It is a major mistake to give the impression that the continuance of love depends upon the child’s academic performance, talents, appearance, athletic ability, or even behavior. Children need to know love will be there even when there is failure or sin. This is exactly the way God treats His children. He urges righteousness and good works, but we have confidence that He continues to love even when we are unrighteous and fail to achieve. God expects parents to love their children as He loves His children, with unconditional love.

The father who embarrassed his son for an athletic blunder was basing love upon achievement and success. Later we will see that the world’s standards for measuring success in children (academics, athletics, artistic talent, and appearances) may be off base. God looks into the heart to measure success, beliefs, ethics, attitude (see 1 Sam. 16:7).2

But the present point is even deeper. Even when there is a proper standard for measuring true success, parents should never base love on achievements. Yes, the emotional type of love (philos) rises and falls with children’s performances in situations that please or displease parents, but agape love continues even if a child fails. This is how God loves His children.

Parents giving unconditional love not based upon performance may actually bring about greater achievement in their children. Security in parental love may give children confidence and the freedom to attempt optional endeavors that are difficult. Children unsure of parental love may feel that pursuing a difficult dream is unsafe, a risk to parental love. Children with unconditional love can dream big, precisely because failure would not be a threat to parental acceptance. Children should be taught their motivation for achievement should be to please and honor God (or even please parents) but never from any need to earn love from either God or parents. This type of heart, with an honest and faithful effort, is in itself a success by godly definition, regardless of the objective level of actual skill or performance. The Bible gives the true standard for success stressing character and relationship to God. If societal ways of measuring excellence arise from pride and seeking status independently from God, they do not amount to a true success even if the world judges the performance with high marks.

Parents should approve achievement that arises from a godly heart. However, the love of father and mother must never become something that is earned (or lost!) by performance. It is possible to convey unconditional love to children and teach true standards for measuring success and still tell children that achievement pleases mom and dad. Good parents want performance but will always love limited, imperfect, failing and even sinful children.

Child Support

God requires parents to provide materially for their children’s needs. This obligation does not seem to be universally acknowledged in the world as a whole. However, the Bible expects that even non-Christians know enough to be responsible for their children. Among Christians there is perhaps a greater danger of going to the other extreme and giving too much to the children. It is helpful to remember that need and unfulfilled desire can be a basis to teach gratitude and work ethics. Parents must support children, but we do them no favor by spoiling them. “But if any one does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). “For children are not responsible to save up for their parents but parents for their children” (2 Cor. 12:14).

Teach the Children Well

The frequency with which the Bible gives teaching responsibility to parents or details parental example is amazing: Genesis 18:19; Exodus 10:2, 12:26ff., 13:8,14; Deuteronomy 4:9, 6:6-9, 11:18-20; Judges 2:10; Proverbs 1:8, 2:1-2, 3:1-2, 4:1-4, 10, 5:1-2, 7:1-2, 24, 8:32-33, 12:1, 13:1, 22:6; Luke 2:52; Ephesians 6:4; 1 Thessalonians 2:11; 2 Timothy 1:5, 3:15.

God called Abraham in part so that he would “command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord” (Gen. 18:19). Moses in Exodus and Deuteronomy commands parents to make God known to their children and grandchildren continually.3 “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up” (Deut. 6:6-7).

Despite such commands and warnings it took just one generation of failure for another generation to arise that did not know God (Judg. 2:10). Disobedience in the matter of parents teaching children can lead to temporal and eternal disaster. The Proverbs give many pleas by a father to a son to heed the father’s and mother’s instruction (see above list). The most familiar text among them gives hope, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6).

Paul commanded fathers to “bring them [children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). He also mentioned Timothy’s mother and grandmother as praiseworthy models for teaching Timothy in childhood. “And that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus” (2 Tim. 3:15, NKJV. See also 2 Tim. 1:5, which credits Timothy’s good background to his mother and grandmother).

Both Samuel (1 Sam. 1:11, 24-28, 2:11, 18, 3:1) and the Lord Jesus (Luke 2:21-24) were raised in their infancy by parents dedicated to God. Whether in public and formal or private and informal settings, parents should dedicate themselves to raising children to trust Christ as Savior and serve God. The old adage “you can’t take it with you” is true of material possessions, but humans have eternal souls. Children who trust in Christ as Savior will be in an eternal relationship with God and believing parents. The most basic parental instruction is to teach “wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 3:15). The essential truths in Christianity are the Trinity (One God in three Persons, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), the Virgin birth and Deity of the Lord Jesus Christ, His death on the cross for our sins, His resurrection and Second Coming, the existence of heaven and hell, the authority of the Bible as God’s Word, and the need to place faith in Christ as Savior. In addition to basic doctrines, parents should instill basic morality including, the sanctity of life, marriage, and God’s commandments.4 Given the hostility in our world to the things of Christ, instruction on apologetics also helps (intelligent design in creation, fulfilled Messianic prophecy as evidence the Bible is true, and historical/ archaeological proofs for the Bible’s trustworthiness).

Sometimes secular articles may give insight into child rearing. However, when the philosophy of the world clashes with the Bible, it is wrong and probably dangerous. “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men” (Col. 2:8). Vital truths for teaching children are in the Bible which gives everything needed for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3), makes us equipped for every good work, including raising families, (2 Tim. 3:17) and gives sufficiency for wisdom and life (Col. 2:3,10; 2 Cor. 3:5-6; Phil. 4:13). Some aspects to child rearing not in the Bible are matters of common sense or the wisdom of previous generations (naptime, manners, potty training). Not everything advised by secular experts need be rejected as foolish. However, all the points that are vital and true are either already in the Bible or matters of common sense. First Corinthians 3:11 concerns the local church but applies to a family. This verse asserts there is no other foundation than Christ (see also Matt. 7:24-28).

Ways of Instructing Children

Example Parents teach by example, by informal instruction through conversation, by formal devotions and lessons, and by involvement in children’s ministries. All these methods are important.

Parents constantly instruct their children by example. Unspiritual parents can unknowingly teach their children about complaining, backbiting, slander, lust, cheating, anxiety, unhappiness, etc. Parents who never admit to mistakes might also rear children who always feel they are right. Parents who must have their own way in everything might also rear children with similar expectations. It is ironic that some parents wonder why their older children no longer attend church. If children hear talk of joy in the Christian life and yet listen to their parents incessantly grumble about the miseries of life or the defects in the local church, then it should not be too surprising that they obtain a negative view of Christianity and churches. If these same parents are materialistic, it is even easier to understand why the children reject Christian values. If a homeschool mother who teaches Sunday School later commits adultery, gets an abortion to cover it up and divorces her husband, all her teaching will be undermined. Example makes a deep impression.

Children will tend to adopt parental values and lifestyles. If parents are giving, kind, pure, persistent and disciplined, punctual, honest, dependable, appreciative, courteous, and concerned about others, they tend to instill these traits in their children. It is difficult for a nonmotivated parent to teach a child to be persistent in finishing tasks. It is hard for a spendthrift to teach stewardship, for a tardy person to teach punctuality, or for an unethical father to teach morals, or for a coldhearted mother to teach about Christian love for others. Parents do not need to be perfect, but they should realize that consistency and credibility are among the best teaching tools, and more importantly are required by God. Wise parents will want their children to observe them in prayer (including prayers for the children), Bible study, acts of charity and/or outreach, and service in the church. It is also instructive to have parents admit mistakes and sins when they occur, and for the parents to express affection for each other in front of the children.

God is a Heavenly Father. If children have good parents for a model, they will find it easier to relate to the God of the Bible. If their own parents are unlike God, they will have a harder time understanding God or even desiring a relationship with Him.

A story goes that someone asked which translation of the Bible is the best. The answer was, “my mother’s translation.” She lived it. Examples of honesty, generosity, service in the local church and fidelity/love in marriage will influence deeply and must accompany verbal teaching. The main purpose for God creating the family seems to be a deeper experience of His character. Parents will only imperfectly reflect God’s attributes. They cannot measure up to God’s infinite degree of perfection but must at least live in the direction of godliness. Children need to see the admiration and imitation of God in their parents even before reading about God’s nature in the Bible.

Ways of Teaching Children: Conversation

Life presents teachable moments. If parents have the presence of mind to realize and use such occasions, they will increase the chance of a child understanding and retaining truth. It is probably true that most effective instruction can be done informally and can occur in the normal course of life’s activities. Whenever a Christian teaching applies to a situation a child faces, wise parents will teach the Christian perspective. A young person’s life is full of opportunities for the application of Christian beliefs and behavior. There are many moral choices. Times of fear, sickness or need provide occasions to teach faith, prayer, and the attributes of God. Times of prosperity and blessing give occasions to teach gratitude. Confrontations with death can be the ideal situation in which to teach about eternal life. Holidays should be used to celebrate Christian truths. Parents should in general be continually thinking about how the Christian faith applies to their children’s experiences.

The Bible envisions that often instruction for children will not occur in a classroom or formal lesson period. Parent-child discussions take place along the road, at home, morning to night. Instruction can take place even in home décor with Christian symbols and Bible verses (see Deut. 6:6-9 and 11:18-20) and in the explanation for holidays such as Christmas and Easter.

Ways of Teaching Children: Formal Studies

Modern times bring animated and visual instruction for children. Children should be exposed to memorable music, poetry, and particularly books of a spiritual tone. Examples of the latter might be a book that goes through the alphabet with a Bible verse for each letter. Another might include the beatitudes or Ten Commandments. Even in a media-filled world small children still love to read with a personal parental presence. Books appropriate to children’s age level allow for instruction in the Bible with a graduation to actual Bible reading from an easy-to-understand translation. Other ideas would include a bulletin board with missionary prayer cards; an excellent opportunity to learn geography. A prayer book with pictures of relatives, the local church, the flag, the school, and so forth can be used as an aid to prayer. Beyond the Bible itself, books on creation science (see icr.org or answersingenesis.org.), Christian biographies, and exposure to traveling students and missionaries can be helpful instruction. We must remember that Christian instruction also involves limiting exposure to false teaching and evil through television, the Internet, or printed material.

The Bible gives primary responsibility for teaching to parents. However, it requires parents to assemble in a local church (Heb. 10:25) and gives pastors responsibility to equip all for ministry (Eph. 4:11-12). Wise parents will view a local church as reinforcing their own efforts to teach children. If a church no longer teaches the Scriptures, parents should find one that does. Children need relationships with people their own age for a good kind of peer pressure. They also need to have older church family “uncles,” and “aunts,” and “grandparents” to endorse parental example and instruction. It helps them to see the true scope and size of Christianity and, thus, its importance. Sometimes children grow inattentive to parents, and the same truth taught by others in a church will gain acceptance. Parents should teach about God by all means: personal example, conversations, formal lessons at home, and involvement in a church, including its children’s ministries.

Parental Discipline

Someone has said that “discipline without love equals cruelty” but that “love without discipline” is not love at all. Discipline without unconditional love will lead to crushed, bitter, angry children. “Love” without discipline is love misdefined because children will become spoiled and reckless with life. Such may also develop anger for a different reason. Their parents did not care enough to take the responsibility of setting safe and beneficial limits for behavior. Solomon, the author of Hebrews, and the Apostle Paul teach that God’s discipline is an aspect of His love for us. Discipline means God cares enough to keep us from harming, maybe even destroying, ourselves by foolish sin. God is the example of ideal parenting. My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD or loathe His reproof, for whom the LORD loves He reproves, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights” (Prov. 3:11-12; cf. Heb. 12:4-11; Rev. 3:19).

We should adopt the attitude that discipline is an act of love. It is never loving to condone sin. God loves us. Yet, He does not approve of any wrongdoing, and He will Himself exercise discipline. It is ultimately in our own best interest that He disciplines us. Likewise, we are not doing children any favor or expressing love to them by allowing sin to go uncontrolled and unchallenged. The end results can be so disastrous that a loving parent will gladly endure the unpleasant aspects of discipline in order to spare children from the tragic consequences of sin.

The old adage “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is applicable. It will help if discipline is viewed as something done for a child, not something done to a child. The purpose is not to cause pain but to promote safety and righteousness. Does the approach which leads to righteousness or the approach that leads to misery from sin exhibit more parental love? God says, “Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline” (Rev. 3:19).

The absence of discipline can create insecurity and ultimately disrespect in children. They need guidance, and initially they know it. The limitations imposed by parental discipline cause security and actually give a sense of freedom to develop within “safe” parental boundaries of behavior. One “bright” psychologist thought that fences around playgrounds inhibited the freedom of small children. When they were removed, the children huddled in the middle of the playground because they did not know the limitations of safety and wisdom; and therefore, were insecure and fearful to explore. Without any discipline and direction, children can react initially with fear, then frustration, and then eventually disrespect toward parents. Why should they respect parents who do not seem to know or care enough to guide?

If discipline is an expression of love, it is just as much an expression of faith. Parents discipline not because it emotionally feels good, but rather because they believe in God’s wisdom for the home. He tells us what is wise and best. It is an expression of faith to follow His leading.

The order of material in this chapter reflects the conclusion that unconditional love must precede discipline and that caring enough to protect a child from evil is part of the definition of love. ■

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1. This article is adapted from chapter 11 of the author’s book, Holy Matrimony: The Image of God in the Family (Amarillo, TX: Westcliff Press, 2006). It is used with permission.

2. God’s own view is that His ways are simple (Luke 10:41-42) contrasted with the twisted and complex way of sin (Prov. 22:5). His commandments are easy (Matt. 11:28-30; 1 John 5:3) compared to the crushing load of sin. Gaining the acceptance of most in modern society is virtually impossible. Its standards for measuring success are often off base. Frequently, our culture creates a celebrity, and then ultimately destroys that same person just as fast without ever giving any unconditional love or acceptance. There is more than one definition of worldliness. Christians often think of worldliness as various common sins, but a false standard for success and pleasing people above God also is a form of worldliness.

3. Moses’ own biological mother became his nurse to raise him on behalf of Pharaoh’s daughter. She must have taught Moses well in childhood for as a man Moses chose downtrodden Israel over the power and luxuries of Egypt (Ex. 2:1-10; Heb. 11:24-28). Daniel must also be an example of early training by parents. As a youth, he refused to eat meat sacrificed to idols. This choice was right and beneficial but risked possible insult to his Babylonian captors. Only diligent teaching at an early age explains Daniel’s dedication to God (Dan. 1).

4. Nine of the Ten Commandments are repeated in the New Testament. We no longer need to worship on Saturday but are still commanded to assemble and worship (Heb. 10:25).

Dr. Steven Waterhouse has served as pastor of Westcliff Bible Church (Amarillo, TX) since 1985. He is also a prolific writer, having authored over 20 books. His published resources are available at www.webtheology.com.