by Lisa Leveille
Growing up in Wisconsin, I attended Catholic grade school from kindergarten through eighth grade. Through these years, I had a tendency to make bargains with God. I would propose that if I attended church and really tried to listen, God would help me get a better grade on my test or make my day go better somehow, someway. If something went wrong, I would figure it was because I didn’t go to church or listen hard enough. This was tiring. It was also confusing because sometimes something would go well even though I didn’t keep my end of the bargain, or something bad would happen even though I did.
In high school I was aware of God, but that was it. I was proud of my morality. I had a reputation of being a “goodie” since I went to a Catholic grade school. However, I eventually started to run with the crowd. My friends were initially shocked that I showed up at the party or had a drink, but they soon accepted me.
When I went to college and soon after started my career, I had little to do with God. I had things under control by the world’s standards. I had friends, family, a good job, an apartment, and a boyfriend. My sister was saved and would tell me about the Lord, but I reasoned that though she needed to take her faith to that level, I didn’t.
My career took me to Michigan. Looking back, I believe this was of the Lord. (We sometimes pray for people’s hearts to be tilled in order to have the Word of God sink in like water or a seed into tilled soil. Well, I was about to be “tilled.”) I was working for a department store and earned a promotion. They asked me where I would like to go, and I said Michigan, only because I had recently met a guy who lived there. Dumb, I know, but I believe this was all a part of God’s plan. I ended up moving to Westland, MI, right outside Detroit. I left my mom, all of my friends, and all of my comforts. Soon after I moved, my boyfriend and I decided we didn’t have a future. So there I was with a new job and a tough boss, living by myself right outside Detroit. I was feeling very unsafe and very sad. One night, I went home and cried my eyes out. I hated it there! One of my coworkers offered me his place to stay because he had an extra room and needed the rent money. I thought that was an excellent solution, but “moral” me couldn’t move in with a guy. I called my sister. I explained everything that was happening and how I wanted to accept my coworker’s offer, but I couldn’t because “It would be wrong, I think.” As I continued to cry, my sister asked me a question: “Whose standards are you going to live by?” Huh? This was not the first time she tried to share the gospel with me. She had been saved for ten years, but only now was I ready to hear. Be encouraged if you are waiting on a family member to be saved. God is patient with us. Do not grow weary. She asked again, “Whose standards are you going to live by?” Then she asked, “Mine? Mom’s? Yours? What about the majority? And who is the majority?” She asked, “Can you measure up to Jesus Christ?” And I said, “Well, no!” She quoted Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Then she explained that we all fall short. As we talked, I started to realize that there is no balancing or evening of the scales between my good works and my sins. There is no sin scale. Jesus Christ is the standard, and we all fall short.
Then she went on to share Isaiah 64:6: “But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnessess are like filthy rags.” Trying to get saved by our good works is like trying to clean a mirror with a greasy rag.
Next, she explained Romans 6:23, which says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” I understood then that the only thing I deserved was death and Hell. As a sinner, I could do nothing to impress God or pay for my sins. This was all bad news, but God had my attention. I realized I had stopped crying, and I didn’t want my sister to stop sharing God’s truth.
She next read John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Then she read it with my name in it. “For God so loved Lisa that He sent His only begotten Son, that if Lisa believes in Him she shall not perish, but have eternal life.” Wow, that was personal! I was realizing that He loves me so much that He sent His Son to die on the cross for me to pay for all of my sins! This is amazing love!
Then she read Ephesians 2:8-9: “For by grace you have been saved though faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.” So, salvation is by His grace. I couldn’t make my “status” better—or worse, for that matter—because salvation is based only on what Christ accomplished. And I just had to receive it, like one accepts a gift.
Finally, my sister showed me John 5:24: “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My Word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.” She explained that by simply believing in what Christ did for me by dying to pay for my sins and rising from the dead, I could know without a doubt I was going to Heaven, and nothing and no one (not even me) could ever change that. By simple faith in Christ, I came to know my Savior in November, 1996.
Waiting on a Mate
Now I had a personal relationship with the Lord forever. I was 26 and newly saved. And at 26, I was either attending or participating in many weddings. I moved back to the Milwaukee area and decided to get back together with my ex-boyfriend. This was when I learned about 2 Corinthians 6:14, which says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” Huh? Really! So, as a saved woman I needed to be with a saved man? Yeah, it’s true! And it’s important! But let’s be honest. That takes the pie of options and cuts it down quite a bit. With this new information, I decided I would share the Gospel with my significant other. We would get married and all would be well. Isn’t it interesting how Satan diverted me right away? Romance, one of Satan’s biggest diversions, can lead to one of our greatest compromises. We feel lonely, so we yield to Satan’s influence. Many times I drove home from a party or a holiday get-together by myself. It wasn’t easy, but that’s how it was for a time. I remember feeling very lonely with the guy I was dating—not alone, but lonely. He wasn’t saved, and I had no business being with him. I knew I needed to break up with him, but he was a weakness of mine. (Thank the Lord we weren’t married yet and it was still an option to get out of the relationship!) I prayed specifically for help to let go of this man. And after spending a cumulative seven years of my past with him, we broke up!
I was now 29 years old and couldn’t help but be curious about whom the Lord had for me. Along came Bachelor #1 who was saved but was going through a divorce. I didn’t know what the Bible said about divorce or how to proceed. I was able to discuss this with my pastor at the time. I was convicted not to spend any more time with him until the divorce was final. In that time I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t interested after all.
Bachelor #2 represented someone’s criticism that I was being too picky. So, I decided to get to know a few suitors that I wasn’t all that interested in. Then a very good friend leaned in to me one day and said, “Lisa, you gotta wanna kiss ’em!” And as much as this made me laugh, it helped clear up my thinking that God would give me someone who wasn’t going to “knock my socks off” and that I would just have to settle. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s another one of Satan’s lies. God will “knock your socks off” with the most perfect mate He has chosen for you in ways you can’t even fathom. There is no worthy substitute for God’s best in our lives. Period!
Then, during one particular visit to Duluth Bible Church while visiting my sister, I listened to Pastor Rokser teach. He happened to address singles and said, “Keep in mind when looking for a mate that he or she has to be saved! And that’s just the bare minimum.” What? Did he just imply being saved is the bare minimum for my future mate, who should be walking in the Spirit as well? I thought of that pie chart once again—the one that got halved if not quartered. What was left? A sliver? As new as that idea was to my thinking, it was the truth and wisdom that I needed.
Enter Bachelor #3. He was my pick. He was saved. He was a retail businessman, same as my line of work, and he was c-u-t-e, cute! We started a courtship. But in time, doctrinal issues and discrepancies crept up. Also, he showed a willingness to compromise and a lack of godly leadership. “Oh no, Lord,” I thought. “Not this guy. I really like this guy.” But God was teaching me to put His will before mine. And He gave me the strength to end this relationship as well. It was not easy. Here’s another appeal to singles: stay transparent, whether you are sharing with parents or good “walking in the Spirit” friends who can challenge you. Be willing to tell them what’s going on. Satan loves things kept in secret. “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord” (Eph. 5:8-10). When I would check in, not only with the Lord but with my good friends, they’d lovingly give it to me straight. But then I needed to be willing to let go of the relationship and trust the Lord to provide in His time. And so do you if you don’t have the peace to proceed.
I was now 32. And as much as age does not matter to the Lord nor may it to some of you, I was often aware of my singleness and my biological clock. Twenty-somethings were getting married. Twenty-somethings were having babies. My peers (thirty-somethings) were having their second or third child and, unfortunately, some were filing for their first divorce. I wondered if God was withholding something from me. I concentrated on verses like, “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Ps. 84:11). “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” (Matt. 7:11). “He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?” (Rom. 8:32).
I was growing closer to God, learning that I was already in the only perfect relationship I would ever have. How was I doing in this relationship? Was I getting to know Him by spending time with Him? Was I listening to Him? Honoring Him? Loving Him? By prioritizing this relationship with God, I could trust Him with my human relationships.
Another thing I was learning was contentment. It’s hard when we see others enjoying a new relationship, another baby, a new house, a fun social event, or a travel opportunity. Social media keeps us up on all that others have that we don’t. We often compare ourselves with others, but “we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise” (2 Cor. 10:12). It is NOT wise. I was learning that He directs our own individual paths to grow us. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps” (Prov. 16:9). He promises, “You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Ps. 16:11).
In April of 2005, I was introduced to my now husband Tim Leveille. Seven months later we were engaged, and seven months after that we were married. God’s plan is perfect. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” You know the kids’ song: “Sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says no, sometimes He says wait, wait, wait.” I’ve heard it differently, and it goes like this: “Sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says not yet (isn’t that more hopeful than “wait”?), and sometimes He says I have better!” God’s answers of “no” are really, “I know better; I have better. Trust Me!”
Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it was worth waiting for. But I did not cross a finish line. In reality, I was leaving my friends, family, career, condo, location, and single ways of living to become a housewife in the Esko/Cloquet, Minnesota area and to become a stepmom to two teenagers, Bailey (age 15) and Luke (age 11). In other words, I would now have to cook, clean, and do laundry for four with no staff! I started claiming verses like Psalm 46:1: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble,” and Romans 8:18: “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” In all seriousness, I am so grateful I waited to be with God’s choice. Meeting Tim was a peaceful progression—not without some struggles but peaceful. We committed to checking in with the Lord and other believers, and having nothing to conceal.
You’d think I had this waiting thing down. But as Psalm 103:14 says, “For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.” Our gracious, loving, merciful God thought I needed a refresher course at a whole new level.
Waiting for a Baby
My biggest trial was yet to come: having a baby! What’s the most-asked question after you get married? “When are you going to have a baby?” Well, I did want a baby. And I hadn’t gotten married until age 36! My biological clock was ticking. People actually told me this a couple times.
To clarify this part of my testimony, I’ll have to give some background that will include some personal information. My husband has given his permission and his total support in sharing it. During our courtship, Tim explained to me that he had a vasectomy 11 years earlier.
He assured me of his desire to get it reversed and have children with me, so that’s what we did. In May 2006, he had a vasectomy reversal. Then in July 2006 we were married. During our first year of marriage, we anticipated a pregnancy every month. During Mother’s Day weekend of 2007, we had our one year follow-up appointment to the surgery. We were informed that the procedure did not work and that we would need to move on to adoption or in vitro fertilization to increase our family. I remember that drive home from the doctor. Tears streamed down my face as I realized I might never be a biological mom.
Hebrews 13:8 encouraged me during this difficult time: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” Our God stays the same though our circumstances don’t. A high point: I got saved. A low point: I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. A high point: I met Tim, the love of my life. A low point: his vas-reversal didn’t work. God is the same God who I praised for my salvation and for my new husband, BUT He is also the very same God worth praising when things are painful, yes, even sad. Though we may be upset, His character never changes. His love is the same. His omniscience, His omnipresence, His mercy—they remain the same. It really helped to concentrate on His faithful character and grace during this time.
In the summer of 2007, we spent much time in prayer. I was accepting the answer of “no” to having children; however, I wanted to research why it didn’t work. I found a doctor in St Louis, Missouri who specialized in second vasectomy reversals. And as much as I didn’t care about the surgery he offered, I was impressed with his explanation for why the first surgery didn’t work. Tim came home and I told him what I found. I suggested he take a look when he could. I remember Tim going to read it right away. After 45 minutes, he came out with a serious face. He proceeded to explain that this could be an answer to prayer. He had been specifically praying, and he thought we should consider contacting this doctor to see if he would be a candidate for a second surgery. I soberly looked at him and shook my head no. I couldn’t open that opportunity in my heart again. At this point, I was sobbing. Tim kindly, lovingly said that we would pray more about it and consider pursuing this possibility.
In October of 2007 we were on a flight to St. Louis for Tim to have his second vasectomy reversal. The doctor told me the surgery went well and that he would have test results back in three months.
In February of 2008, I called the lab to make sure they forwarded Tim’s results to Missouri. The inexperienced lab technician accidently shared that there was zero sperm. What? I was numb. I understood it could have been minimal at first, but none? I couldn’t function emotionally. A little while later I called Tim at work, and he came home on his lunch hour. He sat on the couch next to me with his arm around me, saying little. We just cried. Why would the Lord deny us such a precious thing? Why would He say “no”? This was another trial allowed by Him to test our faith and cause us to grow spiritually.
July and September of 2008 brought more analyses and results, showing that we had little to no chance of conceiving. This was completely discouraging; but I tried to keep my focus on God’s character once again. “No one is holy like the Lord, for there is none besides You, nor is there any rock like our God” (1 Sam. 2:2).
In December of 2008 we received a letter from the Missouri doctor apologizing and explaining our next option: in vitro fertilization. We had no peace about proceeding with that procedure.
In April of 2009, a good friend suggested a local doctor who specializes in infertility challenges. We went to see him, and he suggested another procedure. We had nothing to lose. When Tim and I went in for the procedure, I sat waiting for a fairly significant time. Then a somber nurse came in to tell me that the small amount of sperm that was present before was no longer there. Tears once again stung my eyes. They sent me home just as I came. No procedure. It felt like a cruel joke. I was done! Isaiah 30:18 says, “Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him.”
As time wore on, Romans 15:13 helped me get perspective: “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” It was time for me to just move on. I spent the rest of the summer of 2009 hanging out with my step-daughter Bailey and getting her ready for college. It was a wonderful memory and a privilege. I had an opportunity to be a mom right in front of me.
On Labor Day weekend of 2009, we moved Bailey to her college campus. I was not feeling well but didn’t think much about it. When I got home I remembered having one pregnancy test left. I thought, “Lisa, you’d be such a fool to take it.” Well, knowing we have a God of miracles, I stepped out in faith and took it. And wouldn’t you know, it was positive! Alleluia! The doctor’s office instructed me to come in for a blood test, and lo and behold, I was pregnant! “O Lord, You are my God. I will exalt You, I will praise Your name, for You have done wonderful things; Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth” (Isa. 25:1). My due date? Ha! Right around Mother’s Day 2010, three years from the time I was informed that I may never conceive. Why do we doubt our gracious, loving, and merciful God?
One significant trial occurred when I was pregnant. At 26 weeks, I was feeling very little movement. My doctor referred me to a specialist because the baby was small and might require premature delivery. Here is the letter I was able to write to friends and family right after seeing the specialist:
Thank you so much for thoughts and prayers. They are answered and here is what happened. She is on target for her size, but her head is measuring small, my amniotic fluid is low, and my umbilical cord has only two blood vessels where normal ones have three. These issues are not bad in themselves, but all three together along with my age indicate risk of a chromosomal issue. Not Down Syndrome, but worse. That’s the bad part. The specialist offered to do an amniocentesis to understand her chromosomal makeup. After prayer and much peace, we declined. This procedure is risky, and the only information it would give us is if she has an extra #13 or #18 chromosome, which basically means that she would be terminal. The overall prognosis was very positive with a small risk of her having a terminal outcome. We have faith in our Lord that He has given us this little gift to not fret over but be ultimately grateful for. And if by chance that outcome is to be terminal, He can reveal that to us in His time, which is when He will give us the strength needed and not a minute sooner.
Well, on May 5, 2010, a healthy, beautiful baby girl we named Ahlae Lu (as in Alleluia) was placed in my arms. “Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For his mercy endures forever” (Ps. 136:1).
In closing, allow me to point out a few things:
First, had I gotten pregnant when I wanted to, I would never have the relationships I have with Bailey and Luke. I think back on all that we experienced together becoming a new unit of four. What a blessing. I think back to the transition of becoming a wife and the time my husband and I needed to nurture our new relationship together. God gave us that time.
Second, had I gotten pregnant after any of the surgeries, we just may have given credit to them. Granted, God gave each of those doctors their knowledge and skills. But glory just may have been misplaced. Psalm 33:16-22 says, “No king is saved by the multitude of an army; a mighty man is not delivered by great strength. A horse is a vain hope for safety; neither shall it deliver any by its great strength. Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in His holy name. Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us, just as we hope in You.” Gratefully, we were able to share the good news of the Gospel in a letter of thanks that we sent to all three doctors.
Lastly, remember when I was sitting on the couch with Tim after finding out there was zero sperm after the second surgery? Tim had his arm securely around me as I cried. In my mind, I was asking “Why? Why are you saying ‘No!’ to us?” But now I realize He always had His arms around us. He is the God of all comfort. He knew His answer was just “Not now,” though it might have been, “Not at all.” He knew I was hurting, and He hurt with me. You know, God is with us! He is for us! In future trials, I pray that I will trust Him and remember His character, being willing to yield to His perfect will.
So now I am content, right? Well, I should be! I have a husband and step kids and a healthy daughter. Blessings, yes, but contentment? I truly wish I was always a picture of contentment. The reality is that I’m still a sinner saved by God’s grace, a sinner who needs to continue to claim by faith the precious promises found in His Word. Oh, how I thank my God for all He has taken me through. I thank my God for all that He will take me through. For He knows all the days written and fashioned for me. And I pray all glory and honor goes to Him! ■
Lisa Leveille is a believer in Jesus Christ who attends Duluth Bible Church.